There is a popular game on Facebook called “Describe poorly what you do for a living.” I happen to love playing this game because my usual response consists of the following: “I break up couples and help people fight.” This raises a few eyebrows, and most people end up giving up on guessing what it is exactly that I do for a living. When I tell people that I am a divorce mediator, they usually understand what that is pretty easily. But most people have to ask – what exactly is a Divorce Coach and what do they do?

The easiest way I have found to explain divorce coaching is by saying that I am like a life coach, but for divorces. Similar to how a life coach can help guide a person to improve their overall quality of life, whether by helping guide them through a turbulent part of their life, or a career change etc; a divorce coach does pretty much the same thing except it is restricted to all parts of what a divorce can impact.

It is interesting to note that Divorce is considered one of the major 5 life-altering events. These are (in no particular order) the following:

1. Death of a Loved One
2. Divorce
3. Moving
4. Major Illness or Injury
5. Loss of Employment

Most of these events trigger large periods of upheaval, where the future is unknown, and that can lead to increased anxiety and depression. While you might have therapists who assist with all these events, creating effective coping mechanisms to help process the trauma is only one part of going through these events. The other fundamental aspect is how to create an effective strategy to navigate the actual event. For death and moving, these traumas (usually) already occurred to the individual, so the process involves a lot of acceptance as well as building a support system for the individual to move forward with their lives. For divorce/loss of employment/major illness or injury, there is a more chronic aspect to these events since they can take sometimes years to rectify or manage. Hence the need for a Divorce Coach, who can assist and guide you through the entire process, like how a “Sherpa” can help you scale Mt. Everest. You still make the climb, but they are the ones who help plan it out so you can make that climb successfully and safely. Their #1 priority is assisting you throughout the entire process. This is divorce coaching, in a nutshell.

The average divorce is filled with tremendous upheavals and often can contain multiple aspects of these 5 life-altering events. For many people, the grief they experience over their marriage falling apart can be somewhat comparable to the death of a loved one. They often have at least one party moving (sometimes both) out of the marital home, which can lead to chronic depression or anxiety (major illness) and sometimes even result in a loss of employment since most people going through a divorce have their job performance suffer at least somewhat. So, in its own way, a divorce can contain ingredients from all 5 of these life-altering events. Yet while people often engage in therapy whilst going through a divorce, therapy is somewhat limited as it can only assist you with the coping mechanisms and emotional processing of these events. Divorce coaching, however, can assist you with navigating these events themselves with the goal of achieving the best possible result for you.

Additionally, the legal world of divorce (Family or Supreme Court) is it’s own animal, where the presumption of innocence until proven guilty is entirely absent. Very often in nasty litigious divorces, allegations of domestic violence, child abuse, stalking, harassment, intimidation, and mental illness are thrown from one party to the other in an attempt to jockey for a better position. While a good attorney can somewhat shelter you from these allegations, the unfortunate reality is that you still might be faced with these “charges” and then the question becomes, how do you handle them? One of the aspects of being a Divorce Coach is that I can create individualized strategies for one client, which can possibly benefit another client as well.

Similarly, the benefit of a divorce coach working hand in hand with your attorney helps create more effective strategies to help you with your litigation. I often tell my clients that their attorney is the commanding general of their case, and I am more in an emotional supportive/consulting role. Most attorneys like having a divorce coach involved (if they have worked with one before) so when their client is reacting emotionally with an issue, they can delegate that responsibility to me, leaving them the ability to focus on just the legal aspects of the case.

If their existing attorney is not performing according to their needs, I also teach my clients how to properly select a good attorney and how to hold their attorney accountable for actual results. This is a very important aspect in a divorce, since if one does not have faith and trust in their attorney they can feel “locked-in” to this specific attorney. This feeling can be a tremendous source of anxiety and depression for the client. It is important to “self-empower” the client, and my teaching them effective attorney management skills will make them into better clients for their attorneys. One example of this is learning how to set realistic, attainable goals and then using said goals as checkpoints throughout the litigation. Anything that is not related to these checkpoints is put on the back burner, and prior to any court hearing, we use our checkpoint list to set up attainable goals for each court session. We also discuss with the client’s attorney confirming what they think from our list is realistic to be accomplished during that next hearing. Another example is teaching them how to effectively document everything, or how to deal with the police if they are called during a transfer.

Self-care is very often the first thing neglected and that can create a host of issues for the client if it continues unabated. I try to end each session by asking what my client is doing in regards to daily/weekly self-care, and it usually differs from client to client. For some clients, the simple act of taking a shower is their self-care, and for others, it will be playing a hockey game or socializing with friends. Just like when one is on an airplane and they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others, I often must point out that running yourself ragged trying to deal with everything on your own will not really benefit your child(ren) if they cannot have a healthy parent. I also am an experienced job coach and often assist my clients in navigating either finding a new/better job so they can pay their legal bills, or how to make sure that the divorce doesn’t impact their work performance at their current job.

Another useful skill I bring as a divorce coach is that I am a practicing divorce mediator. I have worked on many divorces, both in the tri-state area and out of state and have a strong network of attorneys I work with. This allows me to text them short questions with which I am usually not charged for. For more detailed questions that require research, legal advice, or work, I can reach out to them on behalf of my clients, and then my clients can pay for that work needed. I also am extremely familiar with the divorce standards regarding custody, visitation, and equitable distribution since as a mediator this is one of my assigned tasks to mediate. This also allows me to confirm for my clients when they are being told certain state/county standards regarding custody and visitation. It also allows us to be creative when engaged in settlement conversations, where we can create a “win-win agreement” between the parties that hopefully can keep them out of court long term. I am not an attorney and cannot provide legal advice, however, I can counsel my clients based on previous experiences and interactions with attorneys. If need be, I can reach out to an attorney for a legal issue or question.

Please check out my blog at https://www.the-smartest-divorce.com and comment on this post or any other post on what subjects you would like to see in future posts. For a free consultation please book one below.