Many of us remember the game. Usually, it was played with one person in the middle, sometimes with more than one. The objective of the game was for the people on the outside to throw the ball back and forth, and the people in the middle to try and intercept the ball. If they caught it, then they would take your spot on the outside, while you would have to go into the middle.

It is a fun childhood game, but not exactly a great game for co-parents to play. Unfortunately, this feeling of being caught as the monkey in the middle is pretty commonplace for many parents trying to co-parent with another parent who will willingly and often place the children in the middle of their negotiations.

Any child therapist you meet will advise parents of the perils of placing children in the middle of a divorce or dispute between the parents. Yet, this is very often done, as a manipulation by one parent in an attempt to get what they want, using the children to advocate on their behalf.

But how does one avoid this manipulation? How do you “beat” the game without hurting your children?

First of all, it helps to understand that this game will have to be “beaten” a few times before your ex will stop trying to make you play. There might be some tears or kvetching from your children, but this is all just part of the game. And once you have beaten this game a few times, the amazing thing is that your ex, will lose interest in playing it with you.

So let’s dive into a recent example of this game, which occurred with a client of mine, who is the custodial parent of her children. This parent, who makes a constant effort to focus on the children’s needs first and foremost, has a somewhat challenging ex. Her ex will often involve the children when he wants additional things from her, figuring that if he requests it directly from her, either she will say no; or he will “owe her one” for her to try and cash in later against him. He also knows that if they request it, she will have a harder time saying no, because she wouldn’t want to be the “bad guy” or hurt them by refusing their request. This is not healthy co-parenting, where trades regarding parenting time, family event and holiday accommodations should be swapped freely as long as the children are benefiting from such accommodations.

But many of the people utilizing the services of a divorce coach, do not have a healthy coparenting relationship in place. Part of the work I do with them, is helping coach them in how to try and create such a relationship with their ex, or at the very least to prevent the children from being hurt by the lack of such a relationship.  A healthy co-parenting relationship is not always possible, but the best chances of it developing are where at least one parent is utilizing healthy co-parenting techniques which can be very hard to put into place without practice and training, hence my coaching.

So after the Passover holiday ended, a client of mine whose children had spent the latter half of the holiday with their father got a message from her children on her post-holiday call with them. They asked her if they could spend the day after the holiday (which was her parenting time ) with their father so they could see some distant family of theirs from “his” side that they usually didn’t get to spend so much time with. I asked her if the other parent had made that request, and she said no – it had come directly from the children.

I told her that these things are better handled if they come from the other parent and that she should make a point of only allowing such requests like that in the future. However, in this case, where the children were already “involved” in this request, she should tell them that this was something she would need to discuss with her co-parent to work out/accommodate.

RULE #1 – PARENTING TIME IS SOMETHING THE PARENTS WORK OUT – NOT THE CHILDREN.

Although the children definitely had an interest in spending that additional time with their father, and that is always something to be promoted, was it appropriate to come from the children versus the other parent? Absolutely not, as in this case, Mom would be automatically the “bad guy” if she denied this request and any request where one party does not feel the ability to say “no” to is not a fair request made to that person. It builds resentment and creates a sense of manipulation between the parties, and it does not promote a healthy co-parenting relationship. Secondly, involving the children takes advantage of and can possibly damage the relationship between the parent and the children. So a major no-no on both these regards.

Children are children, and they are not exactly the best decision-makers at what is in their best interests. Hence, our responsibility as parents is to make sure they bathe, eat properly nutritious foods, go to sleep on time, do their homework, and all the other “not fun” parts that are an essential part of being a parent.  Parenting time is another one of these parenting decisions, while there can be a court-ordered schedule in place, or a more informal parenting plan in place – children need the stability of a set schedule. Of course, there will be certain examples of accommodation, where it benefits the parties to swap time, and that should always be done when possible if it benefits the children.

My client knows that I preach this constantly, and she was somewhat shocked when I told her to ask the other parent directly if they wanted the additional parenting time or not. The other parent was very clear that they had no interest in the additional parenting time, and that this was just the children wanting to spend that time by their home so they could be with his family members. 

If my client was to consent, she would be making her kids happy here for the moment, but the previous cycle of the children being used to manipulate and negotiate by the other parent would continue. That is not fair to these children nor any children for that matter. So once this was made clear to my client, I told her to tell the other parent that if he didn’t want that additional parenting time, she would be taking the children at the agreed-upon time.

Of course, the other parent made sure to blame her for the reason why the request was denied, which was to be expected, and the children were initially somewhat disappointed. In this case, to prevent that, I counseled her to reach out to the family member that the children wanted to meet with and invite them for a separate meeting (either in her home or by a public place etc) so the children could have the opportunity to spend the time with them that they wanted. This way the children would not be deprived of such a meeting, if it were something they wanted to go to, it just would occur on her scheduled parenting time. Not always is this possible, sometimes children just would have to face disappointment.

Rule #2 – If the other parent doesn’t want the parenting time, it is not an accommodation request.

The final aspect I told her was to answer the children whenever such a request is ever made in the future by them, is that they should ask their father to discuss it with her. I do this myself with my daughter, whenever she asks me something that her mother wants – I always smile and say that this sounds like something I should discuss with her mother, and I will gladly discuss it with her once she reaches out to me regarding that issue. The concept is sound, it’s a firm invitation to the other parent to discuss this and any other issues, as well as a clear boundary for the child saying – “You are the child, this is for your parents to work out – not you”. If my child says in response  “But this is what I want!” I respond with a clear and firm “Well, I understand that, but this is a conversation for your parents to discuss together.” Telling your children in such words is telling them this is not their business, and their business is just being the children here, not the parents. This technique even works with older teenagers, they do not want to be stuck in the middle of fighting parents bickering over who gets what portion of their time with whom.

If the other parent reaches out, then such a discussion can take place and hopefully reach a resolution taking well into consideration the best interests of the children. But if the other parent refuses to engage in such a conversation, or the conversation is not productive, you don’t have to explain anything else to your child other than “ I’m sorry, it just didn’t work out..”

There is no need to go into the blame or who is responsible, children don’t really care about that. They will be disappointed in the accommodation not being given in this situation, but as children, they will accept that not always do plans work out. Sometimes it rains when you want to go to the park, and sometimes your friend gets a cold when you have a playdate scheduled. This is a normal part of growing up, and children can often benefit from experiencing some minor disappointments occasionally in their lives. A healthy response to get them out of this funk is to involve them in what they can do with that time instead of that planned activity. If they are really upset, creating a safe space for them to verbalize why they feel so upset about this specific plan not working out, is helpful.

My client could have played the game her ex had started. She could have denied the request and then shown the text messages to her children showing that their Father didn’t actually want that time with them, and I’m sure some hurt and spiteful people might do something like that occasionally or frequently. But who would it hurt? Her children, and that is something she wants to avoid as much as possible as she should.

She could have granted the “request” which would mean that the next time something like this came up, it would be handled the same way. Meanwhile, what if the next situation was not one she was comfortable with granting or even considering and because of the lack of free will she was feeling in this confrontation, she could potentially lash out with something nasty regarding the other parent? And since when is it good for children to always get what they want?

Instead, her response and her future responses “This seems like something I should discuss with your father so please have him contact me to discuss it” do everything necessary to take the ball and remove the children from being in the middle. This is not a child issue or discussion, this is an adult conversation – and we are the adults and the parents. After one or two of those messages, the ex will either directly approach her for future requests or the children will remind him that this is something that he needs to contact her to discuss. Either way, she will no longer be playing this game of “Monkey in the Middle”, and no longer feel like she cannot have a choice.

Incidentally, her kids had a lovely day with her without any issues.