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Beating Monkey in the Middle… (AKA not letting your kids be used against you)
Many of us remember the game. Usually, it was played with one person in the middle, sometimes with more than one. The objective of the game was for the people on the outside to throw the ball back and forth, and the people in the middle to try and intercept the ball. If they caught it, then they would take your spot on the outside, while you would have to go into the middle.
It is a fun childhood game, but not exactly a great game for co-parents to play. Unfortunately, this feeling of being caught as the monkey in the middle is pretty commonplace for many parents trying to co-parent with another parent who will willingly and often place the children in the middle of their negotiations.
Any child therapist you meet will advise parents of the perils of placing children in the middle of a divorce or dispute between the parents. Yet, this is very often done, as a manipulation by one parent in an attempt to get what they want, using the children to advocate on their behalf.
But how does one avoid this manipulation? How do you “beat” the game without hurting your children?
First of all, it helps to understand that this game will have to be “beaten” a few times before your ex will stop trying to make you play. There might be some tears or kvetching from your children, but this is all just part of the game. And once you have beaten this game a few times, the amazing thing is that your ex, will lose interest in playing it with you.
So let’s dive into a recent example of this game, which occurred with a client of mine, who is the custodial parent of her children. This parent, who makes a constant effort to focus on the children’s needs first and foremost, has a somewhat challenging ex. Her ex will often involve the children when he wants additional things from her, figuring that if he requests it directly from her, either she will say no; or he will “owe her one” for her to try and cash in later against him. He also knows that if they request it, she will have a harder time saying no, because she wouldn’t want to be the “bad guy” or hurt them by refusing their request. This is not healthy co-parenting, where trades regarding parenting time, family event and holiday accommodations should be swapped freely as long as the children are benefiting from such accommodations.
But many of the people utilizing the services of a divorce coach, do not have a healthy coparenting relationship in place. Part of the work I do with them, is helping coach them in how to try and create such a relationship with their ex, or at the very least to prevent the children from being hurt by the lack of such a relationship. A healthy co-parenting relationship is not always possible, but the best chances of it developing are where at least one parent is utilizing healthy co-parenting techniques which can be very hard to put into place without practice and training, hence my coaching.
So after the Passover holiday ended, a client of mine whose children had spent the latter half of the holiday with their father got a message from her children on her post-holiday call with them. They asked her if they could spend the day after the holiday (which was her parenting time ) with their father so they could see some distant family of theirs from “his” side that they usually didn’t get to spend so much time with. I asked her if the other parent had made that request, and she said no – it had come directly from the children.
I told her that these things are better handled if they come from the other parent and that she should make a point of only allowing such requests like that in the future. However, in this case, where the children were already “involved” in this request, she should tell them that this was something she would need to discuss with her co-parent to work out/accommodate.
RULE #1 – PARENTING TIME IS SOMETHING THE PARENTS WORK OUT – NOT THE CHILDREN.
Although the children definitely had an interest in spending that additional time with their father, and that is always something to be promoted, was it appropriate to come from the children versus the other parent? Absolutely not, as in this case, Mom would be automatically the “bad guy” if she denied this request and any request where one party does not feel the ability to say “no” to is not a fair request made to that person. It builds resentment and creates a sense of manipulation between the parties, and it does not promote a healthy co-parenting relationship. Secondly, involving the children takes advantage of and can possibly damage the relationship between the parent and the children. So a major no-no on both these regards.
Children are children, and they are not exactly the best decision-makers at what is in their best interests. Hence, our responsibility as parents is to make sure they bathe, eat properly nutritious foods, go to sleep on time, do their homework, and all the other “not fun” parts that are an essential part of being a parent. Parenting time is another one of these parenting decisions, while there can be a court-ordered schedule in place, or a more informal parenting plan in place – children need the stability of a set schedule. Of course, there will be certain examples of accommodation, where it benefits the parties to swap time, and that should always be done when possible if it benefits the children.
My client knows that I preach this constantly, and she was somewhat shocked when I told her to ask the other parent directly if they wanted the additional parenting time or not. The other parent was very clear that they had no interest in the additional parenting time, and that this was just the children wanting to spend that time by their home so they could be with his family members.
If my client was to consent, she would be making her kids happy here for the moment, but the previous cycle of the children being used to manipulate and negotiate by the other parent would continue. That is not fair to these children nor any children for that matter. So once this was made clear to my client, I told her to tell the other parent that if he didn’t want that additional parenting time, she would be taking the children at the agreed-upon time.
Of course, the other parent made sure to blame her for the reason why the request was denied, which was to be expected, and the children were initially somewhat disappointed. In this case, to prevent that, I counseled her to reach out to the family member that the children wanted to meet with and invite them for a separate meeting (either in her home or by a public place etc) so the children could have the opportunity to spend the time with them that they wanted. This way the children would not be deprived of such a meeting, if it were something they wanted to go to, it just would occur on her scheduled parenting time. Not always is this possible, sometimes children just would have to face disappointment.
Rule #2 – If the other parent doesn’t want the parenting time, it is not an accommodation request.
The final aspect I told her was to answer the children whenever such a request is ever made in the future by them, is that they should ask their father to discuss it with her. I do this myself with my daughter, whenever she asks me something that her mother wants – I always smile and say that this sounds like something I should discuss with her mother, and I will gladly discuss it with her once she reaches out to me regarding that issue. The concept is sound, it’s a firm invitation to the other parent to discuss this and any other issues, as well as a clear boundary for the child saying – “You are the child, this is for your parents to work out – not you”. If my child says in response “But this is what I want!” I respond with a clear and firm “Well, I understand that, but this is a conversation for your parents to discuss together.” Telling your children in such words is telling them this is not their business, and their business is just being the children here, not the parents. This technique even works with older teenagers, they do not want to be stuck in the middle of fighting parents bickering over who gets what portion of their time with whom.
If the other parent reaches out, then such a discussion can take place and hopefully reach a resolution taking well into consideration the best interests of the children. But if the other parent refuses to engage in such a conversation, or the conversation is not productive, you don’t have to explain anything else to your child other than “ I’m sorry, it just didn’t work out..”
There is no need to go into the blame or who is responsible, children don’t really care about that. They will be disappointed in the accommodation not being given in this situation, but as children, they will accept that not always do plans work out. Sometimes it rains when you want to go to the park, and sometimes your friend gets a cold when you have a playdate scheduled. This is a normal part of growing up, and children can often benefit from experiencing some minor disappointments occasionally in their lives. A healthy response to get them out of this funk is to involve them in what they can do with that time instead of that planned activity. If they are really upset, creating a safe space for them to verbalize why they feel so upset about this specific plan not working out, is helpful.
My client could have played the game her ex had started. She could have denied the request and then shown the text messages to her children showing that their Father didn’t actually want that time with them, and I’m sure some hurt and spiteful people might do something like that occasionally or frequently. But who would it hurt? Her children, and that is something she wants to avoid as much as possible as she should.
She could have granted the “request” which would mean that the next time something like this came up, it would be handled the same way. Meanwhile, what if the next situation was not one she was comfortable with granting or even considering and because of the lack of free will she was feeling in this confrontation, she could potentially lash out with something nasty regarding the other parent? And since when is it good for children to always get what they want?
Instead, her response and her future responses “This seems like something I should discuss with your father so please have him contact me to discuss it” do everything necessary to take the ball and remove the children from being in the middle. This is not a child issue or discussion, this is an adult conversation – and we are the adults and the parents. After one or two of those messages, the ex will either directly approach her for future requests or the children will remind him that this is something that he needs to contact her to discuss. Either way, she will no longer be playing this game of “Monkey in the Middle”, and no longer feel like she cannot have a choice.
Incidentally, her kids had a lovely day with her without any issues.
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Parental Alienation Day Post
Parental alienation takes many different shapes and forms. For some, it is a simple albeit painful situation, where the child just refuses to see them. For others, it can be more nuanced and complicated. Whether with the child alone saying hurtful to the parent that it possibly picked up from the other parent, or whether it is a case where the providers have been alienated from one parent by the actions or words of the other parent, parental alienation is an extremely hurtful and painful process to go through.
The courts are aware of parental alienation, yet it is extremely hard to prove, so it’s treated like somewhat of a four-letter word in court. In the rare cases where it can actually be proven, it can be grounds for a change in custody, but that change can be difficult to accomplish, especially where the child does not want to see the other parent. It can also be grounds for assessing legal fees as penalties for the ostracizing parent, yet this is barely a deterrent for the party to refrain from. However, like all custodial legal enforcement, it’s very few and far between where the courts actually implement safeguards to penalize parental alienation.
As a community matter as well, this issue is also barely addressed and discussed. While there has been some more recent movement as a community for people to be aware of the issues and dangers of parental alienation, and how abusive towards the children it is, there are still many people and organizations that claim parental alienation is a made-up term, (often they claim by a pedophile). I myself was surprised to find a Divorce Coach Training Program which had such a disclaimer outright on the application…That there is no such thing as parental alienation, and that if I were to take the course it would be with that understanding. How horrible to see that on the application of a training program which is supposed to be all about helping guide others through their own divorce?
It is hard to deny that estranged parents are 30x more likely to commit suicide. I myself am part of online support groups that usually has a post every month or so stating from the member’s family or girlfriend stating that the member committed suicide while holding a picture of children they could no longer see. It is hard to deny that children growing up without having both parents involved in their lives are far less likely to graduate high school, college, stay out of prison or stay off of drugs. It is hard to deny that as a community, when we only provide support to custodial parents and leave the non-custodial parents without community support and resources, we are being extremely shortsighted as a community. For these custodial parents will eventually want to remarry eligible spouses, and if there are less community resources invested to help non-custodial parents, then there will also be less eligible divorced singles for them to possibly marry.
Just as there are community actions for when someone refuses to give a get, we have to have that same level of intolerance when someone denies a visitation. Just like we blast a person’s name around on a list or website when they are refusing to come to bais din, we have to hold accountable parents who consistently badmouth or seek to exclude their co-parents with access to providers for their children.
I have a few clients who are actively suffering from parental alienation, some who have had court orders for access that are being ignored by the other parent or the courts. My heart goes out to these parents, and I know that for every person who comes to me with these issues, there is a “silent majority” of people who just simply walk away rather than deal with the pain of attempting to see a child that they cannot force to see them.
I stand with them, as should all of us here. This issue can happen to anyone and should not be tolerated by anyone. I challenge our community to raise more awareness of this issue, and help create effective strategies to combat this horrible disease we call parental alienation.
Let every child have the right to have both of their living parents present in their lives.
Let every parent have the right to see their child.
Divorce should just be the end of the marriage, not of the relationship between a parent and a child.
End Parental Alienation
#parentalalienationawareness
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What is Divorce Coaching (and why would you need it)?
There is a popular game on Facebook called “Describe poorly what you do for a living.” I happen to love playing this game because my usual response consists of the following: “I break up couples and help people fight.” This raises a few eyebrows, and most people end up giving up on guessing what it is exactly that I do for a living. When I tell people that I am a divorce mediator, they usually understand what that is pretty easily. But most people have to ask – what exactly is a Divorce Coach and what do they do?
The easiest way I have found to explain divorce coaching is by saying that I am like a life coach, but for divorces. Similar to how a life coach can help guide a person to improve their overall quality of life, whether by helping guide them through a turbulent part of their life, or a career change etc; a divorce coach does pretty much the same thing except it is restricted to all parts of what a divorce can impact.
It is interesting to note that Divorce is considered one of the major 5 life-altering events. These are (in no particular order) the following:
- Death of a Loved One
- Divorce
- Moving
- Major Illness or Injury
- Loss of Employment
Most of these events trigger large periods of upheaval, where the future is unknown, and that can lead to increased anxiety and depression. While you might have therapists who assist with all these events, creating effective coping mechanisms to help process the trauma is only one part of going through these events. The other fundamental aspect is how to create an effective strategy to navigate the actual event. For death and moving, these traumas (usually) already occurred to the individual, so the process involves a lot of acceptance as well as building a support system for the individual to move forward with their lives. For divorce/loss of employment/major illness or injury, there is a more chronic aspect to these events since they can take sometimes years to rectify or manage. Hence the need for a Divorce Coach, who can assist and guide you through the entire process, like how a “Sherpa” can help you scale Mt. Everest. You still make the climb, but they are the ones who help plan it out so you can make that climb successfully and safely. Their #1 priority is assisting you throughout the entire process. This is divorce coaching, in a nutshell.
The average divorce is filled with tremendous upheavals and often can contain multiple aspects of these 5 life-altering events. For many people, the grief they experience over their marriage falling apart can be somewhat comparable to the death of a loved one. They often have at least one party moving (sometimes both) out of the marital home, which can lead to chronic depression or anxiety (major illness) and sometimes even result in a loss of employment since most people going through a divorce have their job performance suffer at least somewhat. So, in its own way, a divorce can contain ingredients from all 5 of these life-altering events. Yet while people often engage in therapy whilst going through a divorce, therapy is somewhat limited as it can only assist you with the coping mechanisms and emotional processing of these events. Divorce coaching, however, can assist you with navigating these events themselves with the goal of achieving the best possible result for you.
Additionally, the legal world of divorce (Family or Supreme Court) is it’s own animal, where the presumption of innocence until proven guilty is entirely absent. Very often in nasty litigious divorces, allegations of domestic violence, child abuse, stalking, harassment, intimidation, and mental illness are thrown from one party to the other in an attempt to jockey for a better position. While a good attorney can somewhat shelter you from these allegations, the unfortunate reality is that you still might be faced with these “charges” and then the question becomes, how do you handle them? One of the aspects of being a Divorce Coach is that I can create individualized strategies for one client, which can possibly benefit another client as well.
Similarly, the benefit of a divorce coach working hand in hand with your attorney helps create more effective strategies to help you with your litigation. I often tell my clients that their attorney is the commanding general of their case, and I am more in an emotional supportive/consulting role. Most attorneys like having a divorce coach involved (if they have worked with one before) so when their client is reacting emotionally with an issue, they can delegate that responsibility to me, leaving them the ability to focus on just the legal aspects of the case.
If their existing attorney is not performing according to their needs, I also teach my clients how to properly select a good attorney and how to hold their attorney accountable for actual results. This is a very important aspect in a divorce, since if one does not have faith and trust in their attorney they can feel “locked-in” to this specific attorney. This feeling can be a tremendous source of anxiety and depression for the client. It is important to “self-empower” the client, and my teaching them effective attorney management skills will make them into better clients for their attorneys. One example of this is learning how to set realistic, attainable goals and then using said goals as checkpoints throughout the litigation. Anything that is not related to these checkpoints is put on the back burner, and prior to any court hearing, we use our checkpoint list to set up attainable goals for each court session. We also discuss with the client’s attorney confirming what they think from our list is realistic to be accomplished during that next hearing. Another example is teaching them how to effectively document everything, or how to deal with the police if they are called during a transfer.
Self-care is very often the first thing neglected and that can create a host of issues for the client if it continues unabated. I try to end each session by asking what my client is doing in regards to daily/weekly self-care, and it usually differs from client to client. For some clients, the simple act of taking a shower is their self-care, and for others, it will be playing a hockey game or socializing with friends. Just like when one is on an airplane and they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others, I often must point out that running yourself ragged trying to deal with everything on your own will not really benefit your child(ren) if they cannot have a healthy parent. I also am an experienced job coach and often assist my clients in navigating either finding a new/better job so they can pay their legal bills, or how to make sure that the divorce doesn’t impact their work performance at their current job.
Another useful skill I bring as a divorce coach is that I am a practicing divorce mediator. I have worked on many divorces, both in the tri-state area and out of state and have a strong network of attorneys I work with. This allows me to text them short questions with which I am usually not charged for. For more detailed questions that require research, legal advice, or work, I can reach out to them on behalf of my clients, and then my clients can pay for that work needed. I also am extremely familiar with the divorce standards regarding custody, visitation, and equitable distribution since as a mediator this is one of my assigned tasks to mediate. This also allows me to confirm for my clients when they are being told certain state/county standards regarding custody and visitation. It also allows us to be creative when engaged in settlement conversations, where we can create a “win-win agreement” between the parties that hopefully can keep them out of court long term. I am not an attorney and cannot provide legal advice, however, I can counsel my clients based on previous experiences and interactions with attorneys. If need be, I can reach out to an attorney for a legal issue or question.
Please check out my blog at https://www.the-smartest-divorce.com and comment on this post or any other post on what subjects you would like to see in future posts. For a free consultation please book one below.
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The True Cost of Divorce
Its pretty easy and simple to get married. You show up to Town Hall, fill out some paperwork for a marriage license, find a clergy member or judge to perform the ceremony and voila! You guys are married.
However, its a lot harder to get divorced. Those sleezy lawyer ads you see on your commute to work for $299 divorces? Those are only for uncontested divorces, which I will get to in a second.
There are 2 types of divorces, contested and uncontested. Uncontested divorces are where there are no disputes to resolve, usually when custody isn’t being fought over, and there are no assets to divide. The couple agrees on all of the issues and they want to just end the marriage the simplest and fastest way possible. This is literally just a matter of some paperwork, which any attorney or divorce processing center can file on your behalf. For those interested, a lot of town clerks have the papers you need to file your own uncontested divorce available for you to use for free. However, if you use an attorney, the average cost is $4100 for an uncontested divorce. (https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/ctp/cost-of-divorce.html)
Contested Divorces, are where the bread and butter comes for those divorce lawyers. This is what pays for their flashy cars, their vacations, their second or third homes. This is part of the $12.1 billion divorce and family court attorneys industry. And this is where it will cost you and your soon to be ex spouse, respectively tens of thousands of dollars.
According to a study done by legal website Nolo, the average cost of a divorce is $10,600 per person for those who used an attorney to settle all the issues via negotiations. It jumps to $20,400 for those who go to trial for one issue, and $23, 300 per person for those who go to trial for more than one issue. And this is just the national average, when you start calculating in the Tri-State area, the costs skyrocket exponentially. A legal retainer ranges from $7,500-$15,000 for a decent to good divorce attorney, who usually charges between $350/$600 per hour. When you do the math, that only means 20-30 hours of work before you need to start paying more legal bills, and most charge around 18% interest for any monies not paid in full by month’s closing.
If you end up going to trial, a trial retainer is around $25,000-$50,000 in the Tri-State area, which can often not even last you through the trial. Most attorneys will tell you that a trial will take around $100,000 when all the trial prep, expert witnesses (if necessary), forensics, and all other matters are done. That is per person, so you can imagine how expensive divorce can be for many people.
Of course, the final cost is the emotional cost on all parties from the litigation. There is even a syndrome, called Legal Abuse Syndrome, which was discovered in 1995 by Dr. Karin Huffer, which shares many of the symptoms of PTSD. This syndrome comes about from people who are seemingly stuck in the court system, and faced with it being abused to either prevent them from seeing their children or moving on with their lives.(http://www.tulanelink.com/tulanelink/karinhuffer_box.htm)
However, Mediation is a far more financially prudent venture. While Nolo does state that the national average is $3,000-$8,000 for a divorce mediation, this is the total cost that is usually split between both parties. You can add court filing fees and some other negligible associated expenses, but the point is, its much better for your financial and emotional health to engage in mediation as a method of getting divorced.
It is also way better for your credit score as well! According to a study, 42% of men and 54% of women said their credit score declined after divorce (https://www.cnbc.com/select/does-divorce-affect-credit-score/). This is usually because of missed payments or other financial hardship as a result of paying for the legal fees for the divorce. However, there are also the factors that can impact your career, especially with a long drawn out divorce it can be a tremendous emotional burden and you will also have to miss a lot of work to attend court etc.
One final note on the cost of a divorce via litigation – it can completely destroy your working relationship with your ex spouse. While you already might not have the best relationship with your spouse (hence you are getting divorced), still there is at least a possibility that the two of you can work together and co-parent together with mutual respect in order to give the children the best possibility of having a “normal” life. This goes out the window once you go through a trial, where every action is under a microscope and every flaw that you have will be brought out and used against you in court. This pretty much results in a “Scorched Earth” policy from your spouse after you guys finally do settle, and it will take time and effort to repair the relationship enough so you can co-parent effectively again. And the cost on the children (especially with older kids) is also extremely dramatic.
So with all of these potential costs on the line, why not make the smartest divorce decision and try to get divorced TheSmartestDivorce way? Currently offering a free initial consultation for all new clients.
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The Smartest Divorce – An Intro
2021 – We are dealing with the reality of a Global Pandemic and its effect on businesses and our lifestyles. We are struck with rising gas costs, supply chain shortages, labor shortages, unemployment issues and the Great Resignation as well as many other global issues. Sadly, we are also dealing with a tremendous increase in divorce proceedings as more and more marriages are collapsing due to the weight of these heavy issues.
People often ask me what makes my process unique, and why would they have an interest in utilizing my services to facilitate their own divorce. I usually explain that due to my own rather difficult and complicated divorce, I created a special process which is built for success and to actually result in a “Smart” divorce.
Litigation, by far the most common method of dealing with a divorce is an expensive, time consuming and emotionally consuming saga which rarely results in both parties being happy or content with what is accomplished. More often than not, one party feels that they were ruined by the proceedings, and can often use excessive litigation or other methods to get revenge or challenge an unfavorable result. This means that even when a party is finished with court proceedings, they have a very strong likelihood of returning to court.
Arbitration is another commonly used method of divorce where people choose to utilize the services of either a professional arbitrator, or an amateur one to resolve their disputes. One common concept within the Orthodox Jewish World is that of the Bais Din, a religious tribunal which makes rulings and determinations based on religious law on how to dissolve the marriage. While it is somewhat effective from the religious law aspect – there are many other issues with it as a process. For example there are currently no checks and balances, nor a central court of appeals in order to appeal a seemingly unfair ruling. Additionally, in many states such as New York State, arbitrators are not allowed to make rulings on custody and visitation issues as this is a legal right reserved for a family or Supreme court judge. There are also many cases where people allege impropriety or perhaps even illegal proceedings which can create further litigation as the parties will eventually take the matter to court. Finally, while some of these religious courts do attempt to “merge” the needs of religious law and secular law. it is often done in a confusing and unenforceable manner. Any document that results is basically worthless if it is unenforceable, since you will need to litigate in court to modify it.
So now we enter our third option – Mediation. Mediation is an Alternate Dispute Resolution Process (ADR for short) where the parties meet with a professionally trained neutral third party, who attempts to get them to a settlement which works for the parties. Since most mediators involve the parties in their process, this usually results in both parties being satisfied with the settlement and also helps keep them out of court. People who were an essential part of building an agreement will seldom break that agreement. Within the world of mediation, you also are prevented options that are not necessarily available to the parties.
For example, say you have a couple that was married for 10 years and the wife would be entitled to collect alimony (called maintenance in NYS) as well as child support for one child. If the child support obligation based on the NYCSSA tables (the court’s standard of determining an obligation) would generate a figure of $600/month for child support, and $400 for maintenance/alimony this would leave the parties with the non-custodial parent, (in this case the father) paying $1000/month to the custodial parent (in this case the mother). That $600 would be tax free since child support is not considered income, while the maintenance would be taxable, since it is considered income. Additionally the child support would continue until the children’s emancipation (in NY until 21, in NJ until 18; unless the child is full time in college) even if the wife was to remarry. Meanwhile the alimony/maintenance would only be for 10-30% of the duration of the marriage – so 1-3 years, and terminate upon the wife getting remarried.
So we can enter this couple into mediation, discuss all of these facts with them and then go about building a win-win scenario. If the husband expects his job income to increase in the next few years, it would benefit him to have a fixed rate of child support with maintenance/alimony included (say for $800 flat) and not have to worry about an increase of his payments. The wife would be happy with an increased child support payment, since it is tax free and can last much longer and in turn is willing to waive the provision within child support standards which allows her to revisit it every 3 years or if there is a 15% increase or reduction of income. So the settled award amount would be $800 flat, child support and the parties would agree to deviate from the norm and waive the right to revisit the award unless a special change of circumstances were to arrive. This is an example of a Win Win scenario we could only create in mediation.
Creating “Win-Win” scenarios are often the best tactic in negotiations because it often creates an environment where both parties are happy with the relationship moving forward. Excessive litigation or arbitration on the other hand often can destroy the parties relationship with each other and make it very hard to “co-parent” together or work with each other. Mediation, especially the mediation methods that I practice, are built on making a series of Win-Win scenarios, so we can create the Smartest Divorce.
I noticed after a few years of doing divorce coaching and reviewing many divorce settlements and rulings that most custody and financial determinations fell within a certain range. It might be after the couple spent 2 years in litigation, and 6 figures in legal bills but only very rarely were divorces being settled or ruled outside of this range. So this brought forth the very obvious question, why do these couples have to go through this lengthy and expensive process to end up within the same range of options? And wouldn’t a couple tremendously benefit from creating a customized agreement that works for them BOTH versus the one size fits all that you get from litigation? Finally, a divorce normally takes 18-24 months from filing to trial in NYS (it can be 6 months to a year shorter in NJ, depending on which county court). This is without a forensic evaluation being done, which can further delay the settlement. Once COVID hit and all open cases were delayed for 6 months, this timeframe jumped to 24-30 months, and that is WITHOUT factoring in the significant rise in new divorce actions. With mediation, specifically the Smartest Divorce mediation, this process can be shortened to 1-2 months of negotiations/mediation, and then a 2-3 month waiting period where we are just waiting for the court to approve the submitted paperwork.
Many people think you need to be a lawyer to facilitate divorces. This is simply incorrect, anyone can create a settlement offer and file the paperwork to get a divorce finalized. However, it is extremely important to have attorneys you can consult with for any possible legal issues, one of the unique things about the Smartest Divorce method is that I have a network of divorce attorneys that I can consult with when needed to ensure that our settlement is 100% legal and enforceable. I also have taken my NY 146b mediation training and was trained in some very helpful and useful mediation techniques which I utilize in my practice. Finally, I utilize some software and Smartest Divorce Practices that help create a Win-Win scenario for the couple early on in the proceedings.
My initial consultation call is free, and I am brutally honest with potential clients about my prices and processes as well as telling them if I feel I can get them an agreement. If we feel that we can reach a settlement, I schedule an initial/intake session with the couple where I go through our processes and procedures of how we will get this divorce settled. As items are solved, we update them on the software I utilize so the parties can see the terms reached on each item. Nothing is committed until we have a signed agreement. But since the parties are able to custom design their own divorce, and they are active participants in doing so; they have complete ownership in this process and very seldom will they jeopardize that by challenging a settled issue with new demands.
The entire mediation process is confidential and any terms discussed in mediation cannot be used in future litigations. The only items which would create a legal requirement to break confidentiality are plans to perform bodily harm on another person or child. But nothing discussed outside of that would be usable in court against either party. I am not taking any sides for either party, since my neutrality is what allows the process to take place. It is irrelevant to me what caused the divorce to happen, what is the only important fact is HOW the divorce happens.
I know that more and more people are realizing that their divorce is inevitable and needs to happen. I can only hope and pray that they choose to go about their divorce the Smartest Way, as that gives the best chances for all parties and the children to have a good and normal life moving forward.
For any inquiries or questions please email thesmartestdivorce@gmail.com or call 845-213-3718
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The Smartest Divorce 